I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
