i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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