When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
