There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Do vagina's smell?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize