youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize