So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
