I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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