I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
