You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
