Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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