he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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