I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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