I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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