im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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