4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
