I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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