better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
