I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
