in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
