Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
