Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
