And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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