Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
