She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
