You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
