I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
