She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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