you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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