Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize