she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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