So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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