Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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