this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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