theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
