Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
