Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
