It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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