I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
