I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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