i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
