he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
