i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
