all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
