Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
