If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
