I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
