I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
