ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
