Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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