I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize