I met the friendliest cop last night
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
