Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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