Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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