Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
