Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize