I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
