Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
