Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
