i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize