Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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