So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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