i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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