Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
