why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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