I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
babies were throwing up all over the place
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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