sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
