I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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