i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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