you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
why is half of my head shaved?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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