I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
