I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
barbara walters just said penis...
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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