She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
